It’s more sadness than depression!

When I say depression, it is more than the normal feeling of sadness. I mean mentally I’m perfect, something makes me worried 24/7. Yes, this alternate day of dialysis, frequent doctor visits, and uncertainty about dates for planning transplant surgery (still struggling with paperwork).

It’s not that I’m only struggling in life, We all have times of feeling down and have our valleys moments in life. Depression is persistent that doesn’t just snap out and in my case, I can see every day some changes in my body (I lost around 15kg in these 3months). I am inclined to isolate because the feelings I relate to are ones like numbness, disconnectedness, lethargy, foggy, emptiness, and hopelessness.

Disconnection because I don’t want to face people when I’m not at my best. In India, relatives are like a flash mob and good for celebrations especially marriages) and I want to avoid unnecessary gossip than any help.

I was never that person who got depressed, and I don’t want to call my sadness depression, it’s more like worried about my condition.
Excluding this illness I have many reasons to get upset, sad, and depressed about are; work, travel, family, and the last one is finance.

Just to give very brief reasons:
My work is not an office job, I have to travel, and conduct sessions at client places and cities. All these are not possible with alternate-day dialysis.

I have not met my Lil girl for the past 5-6 months because I’m doing my treatment in my hometown (here im for so long after 20 years).

My insurance doesn’t cover my travel, stays, dialysis, and food. And it’s more than years since I withdrew my salary.

When I discuss these with someone closer to me whom I feel will understand my mental and emotional condition, she refers me to a therapist all the time.

Some may need medication for depression but in my case, it’s just the sadness and difficulties in facing because of my medical condition. I don’t mind adding one more specialist (Psychiatrist) to my list as already taking so many medicines and there’s nothing to feel inferior about.

I tend to share with her my thoughts and condition of mind finding her to be the closest I can connect.

But I realized this depression to illnesses affecting my relationships including my marriage. I thought people will understand me including my struggles with illness (physical, emotional, and Finacial), but everyone got their expectations.

At times I just feel someone say “Come to me, all with your worry and burden, and I will give you rest.”🤗

Often, the crushing, suffocating pain of having to tolerate my existence leads to thoughts of suicide. But my belief in the Almighty and religious belief don’t allow me to do so. And give me a break from my negative thoughts.

I’m not that person who calls people to wa was my troubles and moan. Instead, I am silent and solitary. Share with the Almighty how I’m doing. I can rest in knowing God loves me and trust him to bring healing to my illness.

I need you all to keep me in your prayers for a speedy, smooth, and successful transplant surgery and a quick recovery.

I’m sure I’ll be perfect again with my health and happiness…..Love you all and thank you for being part of my follower family❤️❤️

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